I am back on it. I have no idea what's reasonable, and I don't remember how to get back to reality or if I've ever been there to begin with. I'm constantly checking news articles for names of victims because I don't know how to reach out without making it about me. I find a stray moment of reality, and start sobbing uncontrollably, then I reiterate my most selfish certainties so I can keep myself upright for just one more day. I'm drafting what I can in my head, and the rest just has to go down somewhere. I write most honestly here, because throwing away thoughts comes at no cost to the number of pages in this journal. I hate my own subjectivity. Eventually, I will edit down to just the facts. Those are helpful? I am a person I used to pity.