Palm Sunday dysphoria: where is my donkey? Good Friday dysphoria: would Judas kiss me? also, with whom do I take my Last Supper? Christmas dysphoria: why do I have to pick from the boy socks? Birthday dysphoria: who is this body I have been occupying, and how soon can I get out of it? Halloween dysphoria: what does this queer friend group not like about my Femboy Hooters costume? or, what can I change such that they'll look at me more generously? Easter Sunday dysphoria: when the fuck will I finally go into spring with a closet full of pastels!?
Ethan is watching The Sopranos amid his amicable breakup between school terms. Emily needs more active para-ticipation from me than I can give right now—she has a reliable best friend from Toronto to actually lean on, so I just feel quietly warm towards her and tired towards myself as I rewatch The Pitt and mope about all the adrenaline junkies whom I love. Vivian finished Severance shortly after me, and I pray every day that we figure out how to talk with each other about the weather. Bailey is completely detached from everything: he called off all band practice but we are going to meet his new girlfriend soon, I hope? Our friend Ryan is partying like it's 2025, so I'm trying to get in at least one drunken conversation with him before his first DUI. Nolan is firefighting in Australia again, which means he sends me flirty TikToks every 3–4 business days at 6 a.m. local time. Our friend Connor is actively employed as a teacher. I am taking inventory of the instruments in my room.
Overcast, windy, ten degrees, but sometimes there are birds! My fingertips freeze long before my guitar strings seem to sharpen any, which is a plus. Banjo strings sharpen so much just from holding the instrument, outdoors it starts to feel like anything is possible. I'm excited to give the ukuleles some sun, though first the air needs to get more humid. I trimmed my nails because of the discomfort from their asymmetrical lengths, but now I miss playing the banjo with the thumbpick and my long nails. Having just one soap in the shower really makes it a simpler transition; I've kept at shaving for two months now. My hair is the longest it has ever been. This, ergo that.
Pope Francis just fucking died! Whoops, my bad.
It's the day after, and I have already had a sincere moment of prayer for the new one to be more progressive. Is Easter Monday the better day of Easter? I can never remember. Lots of rain today, so I've kept the windows open and rearranged things in my room a little bit. I'm making space for the hardshell guitar case I may buy this week. With an arch-top shape, my guitar will live forever. Everything will have a case, and that will mean something. I hope, I hope, I hope.